I’ve been having trouble with this kid in my bio class. He’s always taking my notes and giving them back with doodles all over them! I don’t know how to tell him that this hurts my feelings. What should I do? – Blustered in Bio”
The solution to your problem is simple; summon a demon to take lodging in his naval. Whenever you see him awkwardly wiggling in his seat as if he trying to do the Truffle Shuffle simply walk over to him and whisper the following in his ear “Et infecta est præcisus umbilicus tuus, et chorum: Dæmonium.” It’s Latin for “I infected your navel with a dancing demon.” Make sure you sound as demonic as possible when you say it. Or say it as if you’re speaking Parseltongue.
My brother wants to come to this school next year, but I don’t want him anywhere near here. I like St. Joes, but I’m tired of him following me everywhere I go. How do I convince my parents to convince him to go somewhere else? – I Need My Space”
Tell them to read this column. Or tell them that what was described in the answer above will happen to your brother.
There’s this girl I like. I think she likes me too, but she isn’t saying anything. How do I figure it out and keep from getting frienzoned? – Shy Guy”
Stare into her eyes until you can see into her soul and plant the seed of the tree that is your love in her very being. You can also try getting a big ass boom box and playing death metal.
What should I get my girlfriend for her birthday? – Bad Gift Buyer”
Shrunken heads. Or a jar of the still beating hearts of your fallen enemies who had to learn the hard way OF YOUR TRUE POWER AFTER THEY CROSSED YOU FOR THE LAST TIME. Chocolates are good too.
So, no one wants to be part of my group project. It’s like in middle school, being the last one picked in gym class, except this is college and I can’t blame puberty anymore. How do I get my classmates to participate in my academic pursuits? – All By Myself (Don’t Wanna Be)”
Use mind control to make them into your mindless slaves. Or “indentured servants” if you want to be politically correct.
I was thinking about cutting my hair short, but everyone thinks I’ll look like a boy (I’m a girl by the way, duh). I think it would look really really cool but… I don’t want people talking about me behind my back, y’know? What should I do? – Short Hair, Do Care”
Cut your damn hair and cut anyone who doesn’t like it or makes fun of you for it. Actually, burn anyone who gives you crap. With fire, not words. Verbal burns are great, but physical burns last forever.
Have a question that needs answerin’? Send them on over my way and I’ll guide you in the wrong direction: email@example.com
(Editor’s note: The opinions reflected here do not reflect those of The Spirit Publishing Company and should be regarded as Trey Norwood’s own. We disavow ourselves of any and all legal activity precipitated by the following of Trey’s advice. No animals were harmed in the writing of this feature. Well, not ones anyone cares about.)